( meme )

This past summer I've been reflecting a lot on what's happened and what's going to happen (as any soon-to-be graduating student should).

Above all, I've been thinking about friendship. The friendship that forms throughout high school is so shallow. I want depth to relationships. Something that goes deeper and cracks the surface. Unfortunately, they don't. Or most don't. There are a few friendships that have gone above and beyond but the vast majority remain nothing more than acquaintances. It bothers me so much.

Whenever I find myself with such a "friend," I have difficulty finding decent conversation. It ends up either being about school, or a video game or some current event, just to avoid that awkward silence. I find myself repeating the same things, again and again and I...don't want to anymore. It's tiring. I'm tired. I've attempted to create a friendship that amounts to something more than talking about school or common ground. I have this strange dream of having a relationship that becomes almost a family-esqueness, possibly because I don't really have it with my family. There's so little I can talk about with my family which has resulted in me generally being less talkative. At the dinner table, both my brothers talk to each other. My parents talk to each other. I just...eat and leave. It's difficult with my older brothers because of the age gap - one is seven years older while the other is four. I tend to remain in my room for that very reason. The closest person I am is to my mom as I spend the majority of the time with her since she's usually the one driving me and the one generally at home. I wish I were closer with my dad but he's always so stressed. I've tried talking to him more but it just doesn't amount to much.

I've searched for depth in friendships, which seems to have led me to befriend more girls. It just seems more likely (to me at least) to find that depth that I want in a girl rather than a guy. For the most part though, it's failed. It seems whenever someone really wants to talk to me there's some secret motive about needing help for something. This past summer I've gotten five messages on Facebook beginning in the same "How are you?" and go on to ask something about help with summer work. To me, the greeting is so unnecessary and clearly not sincere. I know this and have replied. When they replied, there was no mention at all about it (or even a reply when I asked how they were). Instead, they proceeded to thank me for explaining some thing to them. Someone even began chatting with me for a good fifteen minutes. After that, said person asked me if I'd do there work for the summer class they were taking at UCR, even offering to pay me. I refused of course - it goes against my principals, despite my need for money. That night, I was slightly shaking just from how angry I was.

At this point, I've just about given up on most high school friendships. I've tried really hard for that depth but it seems that the result is always the same. Me making an effort with no return from the other person. I've honestly stopped. I'm tired of one-sided relationships and I'm not dealing with it anymore. The past school year, I spent so much time in the library mostly because the common ground that used to exist seems to be fading away. Everyone seems to have their own little group with people they've known for more than three years. I've always wanted to be more active at my mosque so I could get to know people who have similar backgrounds and the same religion but the same holds true. There are groups and, again, I just don't fit anywhere. Most times I find there to just be too much hypocrisy to even begin to have a conversation and my interests are just so...different. There's such a lack of maturity and, if I'm found in a situation with them, I remain quiet. I don't have anything to contribute because I'm not into rap music or random first-person shooters or perverted crap.

I don't know how coherent this has been but it's been on my mind for so long and I just need to let it go, if for just a little while.